Roses & Thorns
One day a little over a week ago, we were running errands and I spent about $11 I couldn’t afford on a snack for the three of us. Leaving me with just under $9 in change. I had too much guilt about that $11, it wasn’t the best use of my money, but it made for happy kids. There I sat in my big, gas guzzling eco-disaster of a vehicle, with leather seats and bells & whistles that I adore and did nothing to earn, daydreaming about a day where $11 to feed my kids didn’t feel like stupidity. We turned around the corner and there was a woman on the median, bundled up in the cold and holding a sign. It said she was a mother of 4 in need of money. I was overcome with thoughts: 1) I was happy I’d spent the $11 because now I could give this woman $5. 2) I checked my privilege in the form of warmth and relative security. 3) I worried about what turns landed her at that median. 4) I remembered my commitment to always doing as much as I can for others, even when I can do very little. As I handed her $5, the woman handed me a rose. Only then did I clock her armful of colorful long stem roses. She’d given me a red one, we exchanged some nice words, and I drove away.
We are surrounded by ways to do business that fit into a mold. A membership model. A newsletter subscription. Everything around us insisting that as creators we churn out content and as consumers we become overrun with content. We’re supposed to fill up social media aiming for clicks and likes, forgetting that much of the real work is happening beyond our smartphones. On either side, whether creator or consumer, we can never do enough. I tried to create a membership portal, it was pretty but clunky and hard to navigate. It was hard for the members to find time to participate and utilize the materials and we all ended up in some type of ineffective exchange of money and time. I tried to make an activity guide for parents, but how many of us actually have time to schedule in an additional learning plan? I made magazines and people loved to buy them but couldn’t find time to read them, the magazines couldn’t serve their purpose. Universally, I find that people are interested in my work but the audience doesn’t have time to engage with it. But, what if we saw income generation for a chronically ill, single mom with revolutionary eyes? What if my work could reach the people who are already tasked with creating inclusive programming and could use some creative support?
I want to help people. It is all I’m here for, it’s what I’m made to do. I am empty without it. I am whiny without it. I am not a whole person without the ability to do for others. And, I’ve been able to do some incredibly impactful things when afforded housing security and the ability to buy $11 snacks without panicking.
I want to connect with radically subversive librarians and life-changing LGBTQ+ community centers and Black homeschoolers who are working outside of the system and other single parents like me who don’t have access to many resources. I want to be a force for good. I am a force for good. I simply can’t do the good things because I’m barely able to survive. I’m tired of begging and scraping and scrambling to get things paid, I want to get back to work. Please.
I’ve watched that rose for over a week now. It went from fire engine red to fuchsia, it’s widened a little each day, and now the edges of the petals are beginning to brown. I’m sure a normal person would have thrown it away, or a homesteader would have composted it by now but as I, once again, find myself overwhelmed by my dwindling bank account the rose from a stranger serves as a reminder of who I am and who I want to be.*
If you can afford to, if you can spare $50 per month. If it won’t break the bank or leave you riddled with guilt, please consider becoming a Project Ally. With 15 - 20 Project Allies, I will be able to afford life and stop scraping my rent money together with vibes and duct tape. I’ll also be able to directly focus my work on communities we care about and I’ll recognize you as a Project Ally when collaborations successfully launch. As a bonus, I’ll get to stop asking for money here and focus on telling good stories that aren’t riddled with agony.
You can learn more about becoming a Project Ally here, and sign-up via Ko-fi or Stripe. There’s no obligation to continue support and my hope is that after 12-months
*Is this where I admit the kids and I have watched a good bit of Reba recently?
** If you are already supporting at this level or higher, let’s talk about which program you want to sponsor!
Woo-hoo! We’ve got a new date for Stories That Save Us*! Join us for the cooperative, interactive workshop on the afternoon of Friday, March 31st at 12:00PM.
You can find more info and register here.
*In my post-relapse insecurity I mistakenly stated this event would be different. I’ve come to my senses.
