Powerful Not Powerless
Book club, Stories, and new Prints
Over the summer my right side was becoming oh so briefly paralyzed—or at least that’s what it felt like. Nearly every time I tried to stand up my muscles would reject the notion and I’d have to sit back down. This went on for weeks, which I wrote about, and I eventually realized it was all of my muscles tightening at once. When I got COVID this dreadful symptom returned with much more force and I learned that all of my muscles could tense up at once but tighter and with more pain than is reasonable retribution for having the gall to stand. The first time it was awful but the next time it was terrifying. I knew what was coming and I knew it was more pain than I could hide from my family. I knew I would scream out in agony. And I knew I would scare all of us. The only thing I didn’t know was why it would happen, it was far more unpredictable and, thankfully, less frequent than my experience this summer.
I took a number of steps to try to lessen the likelihood of these full body cramps happening again. I tried to amend what I did in the moment. The fear itself was paralyzing, I was wincing and dreading and cringing at the thought of what was next. I wasn’t in control of what the next minute would bring and I was trying to fight against my own powerlessness, creating more tension. I forced myself to feel the pain and trust that it would pass. Multiple sclerosis is scary for many reasons but perhaps lack of power is near the top of the list. Becoming randomly and unpredictably, sometimes painfully, disabled is a very hard thing to wrap one’s head around.
It’s no surprise that I have had a rough go of it but one thing I think I do a terrible job of explaining is how much I blame myself. I could have made different choices, I should have made different choices, I should have created a safety net, I shouldn’t have believed I had safety nets. I shouldn’t have trusted anyone ever (cause that seems healthy, right?). I should have known! And each time someone was kind enough to give us resources I should have used them to completely turn my life around. I should have been superhuman. I should have beat my life’s odds.
But a lot of times I’m just plain scared. I’m in a body I can’t control living a life I didn’t want and I’m terrified every day. In part, I chose to move out of our apartment because the stress of paying the relatively high rent was getting to me. I didn’t think I could keep up with it any longer and now I regret ever leaving. Blaming myself more. I was dragging my feet on my dreams because I didn’t know if I could handle my own hopes. I didn’t know how many times I could fail. I tensed up from the fear of what’s coming and then made everything worse. Standing in my own way because I believed the me that had the power to dream was a me from long ago.
When I learned that I could accept immense pain from head-to-toe I learned that I could stop standing in my own way. I was reminded that I am strong and powerful and that I can make a difference in the world (or at least in my little corner of it). I was reminded that I have fought battle after battle and somehow have lived to tell the tale and for that I should never be underestimated, even by myself.
I am guarded about where we are right now because it is the last place I’d ever want to be…except there are a few places I could say that about. We have to get out of here quickly, and one of my children has specifically stated that he can’t think of anything he wants for Christmas because he just wants a home. Obviously, this is heartbreaking but it’s also motivating and combined with the new fire lit under me by my rebellious body, I have worked countless hours to develop my businesses into something that can grow. It's so so helpful in the moment to have money pop up in my Venmo from thoughtful folks who are reading my work and I sincerely, very much appreciate it. And I have begun to feel like a failure because my work should be making the money, not my begging or my sob stories. (Slight lol that my actual life is the kind of thing people make up.) Please read this whole email to see what else is going on and, if you can think of a friend or 15 to share this with, I’d really appreciate it. I have to get my babies a home for Christmas or simply for life and I have to show them that being an underdog can’t stop my shine… or theirs. Please sign-up for events, check out the shop, hit up the tip jar, or become a subscriber using this link. My goal is to earn about $3,000 for moving expenses. I love y’all for being here and I’m so thankful to have hundreds of readers who help me feel like moving forward is possible against the nonstop hurdles. I’ll be back later in the week with another update.
Question of the day!: What’s your favorite cold weather treat?
Everything below is linked at CreateWriteHere.com but here’s the rundown of what’s new.
Vision boards!: Friday, December 15 @ 10 AM EST
Craft & Chat: Wednesday, January 17 @ 7 PM EST
Book Club reading Flores and Miss Paula by Melissa Rivero: Tuesday, January 23 @ 7 PM EST
RSVP for the FREE events listed above at CreateWriteHere.com.
January 21, 2024 at 11:00 AM - 1:30 pm EST- Get your ticket here.
February 24, 2024 at 10:00 AM - 12:30 PM EST - Get your ticket here.
New designs, new art, and lots of merch. Plus, find original Revolutionary Humans freebies, HTL Magazines and more at our new all-inclusive shop! at RevolutionaryHumans.com.
This December we’re bringing back Kindness As An Action. Follow along on a social media (where I’m finally coming out of hiding): Instagram, TikTok, or YouTube. I’ll even explain why I like to do this at the busiest time of the year.
"I should never be underestimated, even by myself." <3 <3 <3
I resonate so much with the rampant self-blame, and I have to remind myself (before I blame myself for blaming myself, sheesh) that it's a symptom of the system we're living in, which provides such inadequate support for human safety and flourishing and yet pretends so very loudly that individual outcomes are the result of individual choices.
Shine on, Bellamy. <3
I am a dedicated hot chocolate enthusiast, and I also LOVE my electric blanket. I used it last night!
I know you've got this...and I also know it's not fair that it's all on you to have it. You have always made the best decisions you could at the time you made them given the information you had at the time, the energy and support and health you had, the options you had... I know it's hard not to second-guess yourself, but I also know that you would never, ever do less than the best you could do in any moment for your kiddos.