Jinxed.
Jinxed.
Solo-parenting and a relapse resurgence. How do I it? Here are some answers.
Oh, no! With the ignorance of optimism I wrote this thinking I was in the clear relapse-wise. I was wrong, so very wrong, and the past two weeks have been tough. Like daydreaming about going to the hospital tough. To live up to my promise to write more about real life I’ve put together a lil’ piece about how we adapt when MS flares up. Not to be confused with my romanticized take on the overall shift in the way we connect, which I may have jinxed myself with. Everything below, except Friends, is listed in order of emergency prioritization. Hope you enjoy! (Also, send jokes, links to interesting reads, and show recs— I have watched them all!)
Fatigue is immense and intense, it is not tired. In my experience, it is only by absolute necessity that one can push through fatigue. I’m wiped out and I have had to reconfigure everything, and fast. There’s the constant looming threat of a relapse getting worse and the worry that if I don’t rest adequately my body will force more discomfort. The fatigue is so potent it feels like pain in my bones, I become one with my bed and plan all of my movements strategically. I don’t nap, in part because I’m not doing anything to use up energy even, in part because I feel like napping is the opposite of earning my keep in this world, and in part because I’m never off the parent clock.
I’m ashamed to admit I’ve wasted quite a bit of food over the years thinking I would cook or have energy to cook and never mustering up the ability to chop or peel. Either not realizing I was in a relapse or not realizing that I had to adapt, trying to feign normalcy. Finally, I’ve given in to buying a ton of frozen veggies and fruits which is allowing me to cook more and more efficiently and stop (very unintentionally) wasting money and food. We’ve also got beans in bulk, rice, pastas, canned tomatoes, and veggie sausage purchased half-price.
I noticed today how silly it must be to see me cook right now. I will go into the kitchen and make one part of the meal or wash what I need to prepare a dish, after precisely 4 minutes of this, I have to go lay down. Not even sit down, full on horizontal rest. I repeat this process about 5x and eventually there’s dinner. Alternatively, I’ve taking to dumping lots of things into the multi-cooker at once and filling it to the max with veggies and beans and such. The cooking part is very hands off and most of the exertion comes when I shed a tear because my children have eaten what I think is a vat of food in a matter of minutes. Rude.
Also, did you know 2 boys could drink the big jug (not carton) of almond milk in 24 hours? And, did you know that if you tell them they can’t open the second big jug (not carton) because of the tragedy of the first they will beg and promise not to drink it so fast again. And, THEN, DID YOU KNOW THEY WILL DRINK IT SO FAST AGAIN?!?!
Magical beings.
Anyway, with the remaining almond milk which I buy plain AF so they won’t touch it…Every 3 days or so we’ll bake something, usually with frozen fruit, and then we can feel like normal people who can go out into the world and have treats.
And about once a week, I just can. not. And we order in.
I’m inclined to judge myself about housework coming before schooling but truthfully if we’re surrounded by chaos and stinky dishes, not much else will get done. Also, it’s important to me that we all work together to keep the house from completely falling apart at this time. If not, it all piles up and more than health recovery must be done. I struggle most with the laundry— we’re at that point where you think, “Maybe I could buy more clothes?” We keep our wardrobes pretty minimal but have yet to get a washer and dryer in our apartment. If only my visions were more powerful, I can see the process of getting the laundry done but the thought of taking the steps to do it makes me want to nap.
The kids screen-time is tied up in their willingness to take care of their home and do their schooling and as long as I’m consistent they are, too. Most days I stock up my energy for the main task I can’t have them do which is washing the dishes (one of them does put them away). I usually do this right before bed in a last ditch effort to save us from ever having another day of eating coffee cake off of Tupperware tops. Yes, that’s happened… and, recently. A true point of self-reflection. Minimalism is all fun and games until you’re exhausted and realize 6 plates for 3 people does not equal enough for everyone to eat 3 meals (and coffee cake) in a day.
Can I re-energize and get to the laundromat before we all completely run out of clean clothes? Whew, I sure hope so.
I’ve also used this time to thoroughly plan our homeschooling flow and I’ll be posting more about that in the optional Wonderschool portion of Cerebellum. It seems like homeschooling would be the hardest/worst/least convenient option in my situation but it actually frees me up to not feel okay and be able to adapt my days accordingly. I have enough brainpower to set up simple assignments and we’re using Trello to coordinate and keep track of what the kids are doing. Now that they’re older and generally feeling more secure in our location, they’re motivated to make it through their list each day.
When I think of ways to let ease into my life, homeschooling is high on the list. For the record, while I haven’t always homeschooled, I have always (like, pre-kids) wanted to and have done it more frequently than not. It’s not a big leap for our family. I find managing a learning plan comes far easier than the variety of things I must manage when navigating a school system and schedule.
And, even though I’m a homeschooling parent, I’d still like a break from my children. I certainly don’t want to imply being with them always is the bringer of ease. No.
My children are 8(!) and 11(!) and I still try to keep their screen time somewhat in check, these past couple of months I have totally adjusted my standards. Their screen time is necessary for my mental health and probably for my downstairs neighbor’s, as well. Almost always, I maintain no screens in the morning except for school-related things. In relapse mode I try to be okay with the low bar, partially because if we clear it, they will often make it until the late afternoon screen-free.
My screen time, on the other hand, is the only way I’ve found to drown out the discomfort and keep connection with the world-at-large. Below, I’m sharing an embarrassingly long list of shows I’ve watched the most recent season of or in their entirety below. Don’t look at it. Don’t look at the list. It’s so long.
I try to remember that this time of year is harder and there won’t be nearly as much screen time in any other season, and maybe it’s okay to lean into the winter homebody life. Right?
Keeping my children occupied is only sort of my job. Their school lists are balanced with fun games and active prompts. Otherwise, I try to provide them with materials and enough off-screen time to be creative and I try not to get too annoyed when modeling clay is inexplicably sprinkled on the (mercifully wipeable) floors. When they tell me they’re bored, I say, “Good! You’re imagination’s going to get to work really soon!” or, “Great! Maybe you’ll remember you have plenty of games and art supplies and things to build with and options to keep you busy.” After I say this about 4 or 5 times, they get the point and stop asking. (Note of fairness to the innocent: I lump them together often, in part for their privacy. But, it’s mostly one of them that does this and if you know them, you know which one.)
Sometimes, I remind them that while I am stuck in bed, they are not, and they should use their healthy bodies and minds to enjoy the day. I do regret that their scooters and bikes didn’t make it here after the move but I’m sure they outgrew them many months ago anyway.
& Patience
The bulk of this is impossible without patience, sweet friends who check on us and remind me that I’m not really alone, and proactive friends who can help me manage what the brain fog is preventing. Also, very helpful, an insightful friend reminding me that all of this is temporary. Eventually, I will feel like myself again, or close enough to it that we can return to our version of normalcy. And, besides, at least I’m not stuck in a snow globe. Perspective, y’all.
Okay. My recent TV roster, if you really want to know: A Million Little Things, Dead to Me, Wednesday, Ginny & Georgia, The Woman in the House…, The White Lotus, Kaleidoscope, and so many Christmas movies (The one with Lindsay Lohan, twice. Single All the Way, twice. Sugar and Spice, twice). I’m not proud, but I am surviving.
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