Two weeks ago: I left my coat in Arkansas. That sounds like a country song title, or maybe the blues, but it’s the truth. Rarely, have I ever purchased myself a coat so a friend outraged by my reliance on thin hoodies bought me a huge, fluffy, blush colored winter coat with a faux fur hood. It was exactly the kind of coat you would buy someone when you want them to perform femininity in a way that they clearly oppose. But, it was warm, and back then I didn’t know how to resist people’s insistence that I act more like a pretty little lady (yes, that’s a Handsome podcast reference). Donating that coat in Arkansas was a step in the right direction.
But I didn’t have a dog then and although I walked daily it was because I wanted to not because another being required it and now, in addition to having no coat and failing to relocate to a much warmer climate, I have this cute dog that requires many walks per day. While the weather is frigid I have a collection of items by the door to keep me from freezing. On the coldest days, in the teens, this involved three sweatshirts, one hoodie, two pairs of pants, a hat, one of those knitted headband things, gloves, a scarf, and a KN95 for keeping my face warm. After putting all of this on multiple times a day for multiple days in a row, not only was I tired of the process I also started to feel like I was preparing for an all out battle with the cold.
Taking note of the multi-step process I went through to protect myself from the discomfort of the cold I thought about how it only took one frigid dog walk to decide to put on another layer or two, or find new ways to stay warm. Yet, when other, arguably more serious, threats to my well-being are imminent I’m much slower to protect or defend myself. Much less able to build up resources or strategies to create a safe barrier. Even when I can feel myself being mentally iced out.
In these past couple of weeks, I’ve been trying to get a handle on what I need to feel okay. Cause, shocker, I have very much not been okay. As an only parent it’s scary and isolating to admit you are not okay, it puts all of us at risk. And, far too often the people that I’d hope to find some comfort from have had the opposite effect from telling me CPS might take my kids because I’m struggling to make this impossible life possible to my own parent having an officer show up at my house because I didn’t want to talk for a few days.
I shared a lot here over time but it’s just the beginning. I’ve put on more sweatshirts and scarves as protection for those who are making things harder on me than I have added boundaries to keep myself sane and whole. And in these past couple of weeks while I’ve been quiet, I’ve been intentionally building up those layers and barriers to better protect myself against harmful relationships. A task that is long overdue. It’s hard. It’s full of grief. And, most days, I feel very alone in the world.
I’m sharing all of this on the off chance that one or two of the hundreds of people who read it might find something that resonates. Some strength. Some call to put up boundaries despite the feeling of loss or some little phrase that tells you the phrase “blood is thicker than water” doesn’t at all mean what we think it does. In hopes that maybe one of two of you might also know what it’s like to have to turn away from your family to save yourself, to begin to dream unencumbered, and to have days where no one is using your mental health as a springboard for their ego.
But also I’m sharing to remind you to check on your people. Check on them genuinely and take it seriously when they tell you they are not okay. I can’t tell you how many times I have felt I was very clearly explaining my despair only to have it brushed off or pushed aside or treated like I’m just having a bad day. It’s scary to think about how fate can swing when we get too caught up in our own shit or take for granted someone’s strength or willingness to persevere.
Thank you to all of you who continue to stick around while I sort this mess out. When I am not trying to will myself to make it through another day, I am working on a number of cool things I hope to share soon. Thank you for being here and helping me feel a little less alone. 💖
QOTD: If you are in one of the region’s where it was unseasonably warm for a few days did you do anything special to enjoy it?
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